the graying lines
of clouds combine
to form this stormy weather
that speaks to melancholy mine
and can't help but
make me feel better

little taps of raindrops fall
against my dusty window
and slide down to
remind me of all
that I've been known to let go

times moving faster and faster
reminding me that
this is just a stop
on the journey
to what really matters
that life is what it is atop

all that I've come to know
and it waits for no one
forcing me to move and grow
that when i think i've already started,
I've actually only just begun

i'm sick still and the earache, sorethroat, and fever are still as strong as ever.  My mom's knee is hurting and she's in a lot of pain. My brother in San Diego is in intense pain from his wisdom teeth and needs to go under soon.  My dog is sick and wheezing.  I don't know whats wrong with him.  My sister in Korea is worried about him.  I don't know who to take care of first. or who to worry about most.

I'm finishing up some work thats long overdue, but took a break to write my worries here. Maybe then my mind won't drift as much and i won't worry as much.  at least for the next few hours. enough to get everything done. 

worry worry worry,

tine

 I've been thinking about this sentence for some time now, but couldn't quite figure out how best to explain how I feel about it.

That is until I came home from work tonight after a 12 hour shift.  Mind you, it's only my third day at this job and it's only temporary. Knowing that this work is only for a short amount of time, I really don't have cause for complain.  But when you get home at 12am which is 4 hours past the time you were supposed to, you haven't eaten dinner, and your feet just ache from standing all day; it can be difficult sometimes to stay positive.

Then I think about my mother. 

My mother was a stay at home for most of my life involved in ways that every kid wishes their mom could be.  With four kids, it's hard to understand how she did it, but she managed to find a way to make each of us feel special. 

Then we moved to the states in 1995 and although her schedule changed, she still found ways to be "our mom".  My mom went from only worrying about her kids to juggling two jobs that kept her out of the house from 530am until 12am/1230am 6 days a week.  (14 years later, her schedule still hasn't changed much)  As we had migrated to the states with basically nothing, it's what she had to do.  Often exhausted and unable to support us with her presence she still managed to stay up to hear our stories, tuck us in, or just reassure us that she was there.

She never once complained.

Nor asked for validation. 

To her, we were it and we were enough.  We still are.  She never asked for praise nor gifts nor even understanding although we should have given them more freely. To her, it was what was needed and our welfare and her love for us was enough.  Even now, as my siblings and I were contemplating what to do for Mother's Day and thinking about how to help our parents finally buy a house, this still holds true.  After much discussion, the first thing we could all agree on was that while my dad wanted a house with x, y, z; all my mom really wanted was to be near one of us. 

It made me sad and happy at the same time to hear that.    

To understand fully how selfless her love really is. To know how much she suffers because of us and because my dad can be so demanding.  And yet, to know how much it means to her to be able to do that.  My mom is humble is ways that I can't describe. She would honestly give up everything for us and sometimes I think she has.  Yet, she never complains.  Her life and her existence is humble in that we are neither affluent nor is she educated. She has no vices, few friends, and little time to pursue her own interests. It sounds dreary to others, but I don't think she would change any of it even if she could.

As cheesy as it sounds, we, her family, and her love for us is her honour.  Although i honestly don't feel we deserve it, we are what brings her happiness and satisfaction. Being our mom is what makes it worthwhile for her.  I honestly hope I can have even a smidgen of her capacity to love wholeheartedly, to forgive so generously, to listen intently, and her ability to create something out of nothing.  I don't know if I'm capable, but I try everyday.

There have been several occasions where I've received "honor or praise" often through positions of power/leadership of some sort.  Funnily enough, most of them I've garnered by not really seeking them.  I do think that sometimes "honor" comes to those who are "humble" enough not to seek it but to merely live their life doing the right thing and in service to others. I never wanted to nor expected to be in those positions.  So when given them or elected to them, I always tried to lead as I imagine my mom would lead; by example and with care.  I may not always know what to say or how to solve a problem but I always know that my motives are pure and my intentions are good.

To me this quote means to believe in something and/or someone so wholeheartedly that working towards that thing or for that person isn't work.  It's not hard or a sacrifice.  It simply is. The reward or the honor in that comes from the knowledge that I did my best to do my part and to help someone.  You help where you can, and you support as needed. You may not always get things right but I do know there is humility and honor in the effort and the care of your actions.

Thanking her mom,

tine